Never just a best friend
by Claude Amelia Song
Summary: Love isn't easy, far from it. Love can make you do stupid things like trying to make your best friend jealous by telling him about your every other "crush". Or never telling your best friend how you feel and acting so chill that she has no idea you even like her. This is what happened to Severus and Lily. But the truth can't stay hidden forever. And love has its ways.


**Durmstrang**

**Year 1**

**Theme: **Veritaserum - Durmstrang

**Main prompt**: 2. Severus Snape/Lily Evans [Romantic Pairing]

**Optional prompts**: 1. Dungeons [Setting]

7\. Begging [Action]

Words: 1937

**Betaed by Eben, Oni and Jessica! Thank you so so much!**

* * *

Severus knew he would never have any real chance with Lily. The moment she came to him in third year gushing about how awesome Damien Rogers was; that was when he realised that if he wanted her as a friend he had to hide how deep his love ran for her.

"_Severus! Severus, you'll never guess what happened!" Lily had come running, smiling radiantly at him._

_He loved that smile and he swore he would do his best to always make her happy. She was so beautiful when she smiled._

_"What, Lily?" he asked, smiling as well. He couldn't help it. She was so excited, she had almost been late for Potions._

_"Damien Rogers asked me out!"_

_He'd felt like his ability to breathe had been cut. The dungeons had never felt more stifling and hot. And it was the middle of autumn!_

_He wished he could tell her what Rogers was really like, but he knew that Lily would see it for herself. He had to trust her to make the right choices on her own. Though he'd never be too far away if she didn't see it quickly enough._

_He couldn't risk her thinking he was jealous. Even if he was._

_"He did! That's amazing Lily! I know how much you like him!"_

Since then, it had gotten worse. It seemed he was her go-to confidant. She trusted him more than her female friends and he cherished that. He didn't want to lose her like he suspected he would if she knew that he loved her more than anything else. That he was in fact, one of the guys who pined after her and desperately wanted to ask her out. He felt pathetic, but he would take all he could get. Pathetic, but that was love for you. It had the power to make you do things you wouldn't dream of and make you feel like you're the king of the world. And that's how Severus felt each time Lily smiled at him.

He knew she hated his Slytherin friends, and he knew she wished he wouldn't see them any longer, but she couldn't understand how alone he was when she wasn't with him. It was the Christmas holidays and he was alone in the dungeons. All the Slytherins this year had gone home, except him. Lucius had invited him to the manor, but Severus knew that he had no chance of getting his friendship back with Lily if he went home with the Malfoys. He begged her and begged and nothing. Years of friendship gone and it was all his fault. Why hide his love if he had ended up losing her anyway? Seeing her becoming friendly with Potter had been a right stab in the heart. This year had been the first year they hadn't partnered in class, he'd ended up with Nott; but he just felt like nothing was worth it any longer.

He'd begged her and he'd begged, waiting each morning and each night at the entrance of Gryffindor tower, but it had been in vain. She'd never once listened, she'd never once looked his way. She had pretended he never existed and his pleas had fallen on deaf ears.

_"Lily, please. Listen to me! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it!" he'd say in the mornings._

_"Please, just one chance, I know I messed up, just one chance. One more time, please," he'd beg at nights._

_All for nothing._

_"I'm begging you, you're my friend, just...we can..we could…" He'd cried until morning that day, but he'd never gone back to the tower. One thing Lily had taught him was to never lose his dignity over anyone. And he didn't want to make a bigger fool of himself than he had already had. No more begging._

Because he was literally the only one staying in the dungeons, he's asked professor Slughorn to let him use the classroom to brew potions. He'd promised he'd make some for the Hospital wing as well, so the old man had let him use the classroom at his will. As long as he attended the Slug Club of course. Severus smiled bitterly. That was another blow to his heart, to see Lily attending the 'meetings' with Potter. It broke him. But he couldn't let it show. If he did, not only would he be more vulnerable in front of the other Slytherins, who'd smelled his reluctance in joining their groups, but he would be even more of a laughing stock to Potter.

Severus felt tears in his eyes. This would be the first Christmas without Lily, without his best friend. He couldn't explain to himself why he had done it. Why had he called his very best friend the most insulting word that existed for her. Why? What was wrong with him? Maybe Potter was right. He really was a messed up person.

He never even heard the door opening.

"Severus? What are you doing here at this hour?" came a voice that hadn't addressed him in months.

He hastily wiped his tears, of all moments, she had to come now ?

"I...I..umm, I'm brewing. Since I'm the only one in the Dungeons during the holidays, Professor Slughorn has let me brew as much as I want. I promised him I would do some potions for the Hospital Wing as well. So here I am." He turned to look at her. She'd never looked more beautiful in his eyes.

Lily looked away.

"I'm patrolling. Since the Slytherin prefects are gone for the holidays, the remaining ones have been asked to cover for them as well."

"I see," was all he said, eyes turning to watch the floor.

"You were crying, Severus. Why? What happened?"

"Why do you care?"

Lily smiled faintly.

"You were my friend once and believe it or not, I really cared about you. And I... I still do."

He couldn't help but scoff at the statement.

"It didn't seem so when I begged you last year to listen to me. Or this year when you completely ignored me."

"Severus, please."

"I wanted to talk to you, to make you understand. I'm sorry Lily for what I said and did, but you never listened. Never looked back."

Her eyes filled with tears.

"I didn't want to hear your lies anymore. You said to me once that you weren't like them, but the next time we talked they were your friends. I'm tired. Maybe I should go," she whispered.

"No!" he cried, freezing her on the spot. This was his chance, he realised. He couldn't let it go. But Severus didn't know what to say. He'd lied because he was so afraid of her learning the truth that he'd buried himself in half-truths and lies. He'd complained about James's unchivalrous wishes, so how could he tell her that he felt the same? He wanted the same things and maybe more. It had to end though. If he wanted to have any chance to get their friendship back, he had to give up the truth.

"Wait!" and in act of sheer madness on his part he grabbed a vial from the table and drank a few sips.

"Severus! What are you doing?"

"I brewed Veritaserum this morning. Now you'll know I am telling the truth, Lily."

The girl started crying and came closer to him, so close that if he reached he could touch her.

"No, just listen, please."

She nodded, not moving from her spot.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I really am. You want the truth? The truth is I don't know why I said it. I felt so humiliated and so… I lashed out at my only friend. I wanted to appear strong in front of you. A real person, not just me… bland old me."

"But why, Sev? I didn't want you to be strong. I only wanted my friend."

"Yeah. But you didn't do a good job of being my friend." As soon as the words were out Severus wanted to take them back but he couldn't.

"Lily, I.."

"It's fine. I wanted to hear the truth so, I'm hearing it. Go on."

"I realised when I begged you and you didn't even turn to look at me that I was wrong about you. I always believed you were my sun and moon. That you were perfect. You aren't."

Lily wanted to speak but he held up his hand.

"But it doesn't matter. Lily, you're still perfect to me. I...I love you. More than I thought I could ever love someone, anyone. I think I loved you from the very first day I saw you."

"You love me! Why haven't you told me before?" she asked, unable to stop herself from interrupting him.

"Because I was afraid, Lily. Of so many things. You talked with me about everything. Every crush you had, I knew first. Someone asked you out, you told me. You asked for my advice on how to dress up! I was your confidant and friend and you were mine. I didn't want to lose that. I knew you saw me as a friend, and I was fine with that. I would take all I could get. How could I tell you I loved you and what I wanted when I criticised James Potter for doing the very same thing. How was I better than him? And I could see you looking at him. You wanted him to be better because he was charming.

"My Slytherin friends were bad. Are bad. I know that. But I'm not you. If I'm not with them, I'm against them. It'd be ten to one. I wouldn't stand a chance. And they can be kind, too. I know there are lies. And I will pay for playing with them when the time comes, but...I never wanted to tell you how I feel. These past months have been awful. But I saw you with James and his friends. You looked at peace and happy. "

He let his head down. He could feel the potion's hold on him lessening, but it didn't matter. The truth was out now. He couldn't look at her.

Then he felt her hands on his shoulders, willing him to look up.

"It seems, you're not the only one good at hiding, Severus. I don't like James Potter. Friends? Maybe? But I never liked him in the way you are suggesting. I never did. You were my best friend and it hurt so much. You're right. I was awful to you. I'm sorry too. So I'm the one who's begging _you_ now: forgive me!"

Severus raised his arms and tentatively hugged her.

"It seems we're both on the same page," he said and kissed her hair softly.

"I can't believe you're here," he murmured.

Lily broke away.

"I am. And this time, I'm not going away."

And with fire in her eyes, she snatched the vial from the table and took a sip as well.

"Lily? What are you doing?"

"You won't believe me otherwise. But Severus, I feel the same about you. You've been too perfect about hiding everything. I wish I would have found out sooner. I thought you didn't feel a thing. You never got jealous. I know now that you tried to be understanding, but… I thought I wasn't enough to keep you with me. And I wanted to let go because I couldn't continue being just your best friend."

Severus shook his head.

"Oh, Lily," and with that he kissed her softly. "You were never just my best friend."


End file.
